A Cowboy Bebop Story
by The Grim Wombat
Summary: This is a very random story. But it is beautiful... *sniff* Yes... Everyone is basically twisted. Even Vicious... and Jet... I'M SO SORRY! But... it is still beautiful... *sniff sniff sob*
1. Faye's Little Problem

This is one of the only Cowboy Bebop fanfics that I know of.If you're wondering where it fits into the series…Well, it all makes PERFECT sense, really.After Brain Scratch, you just start here instead of going to the last three episodes!Let's say it's an… alternate path for the series to take.

A really STUPID alternate path.

But that's what fanfics are for.

*****

Cowboy Bebop: The Lost Episodes

That OTHER Session 24

Faye's Little Problem

*****

Faye Valentine sat on her bed, staring straight ahead at nothing.Nothing at all.Nothing was what happened to be in front of her at that moment in time, so that's what she was staring at.But that really doesn't matter very much in the grand scheme of things.

Lately, she had felt deprived.Her very special needs-the kind of needs that only Faye would understand- hadn't been being fulfilled.

And only Spike Spiegel could meet those… needs.Jet wouldn't understand; Ed was… well, Ed is Ed, after all.And Ein was a dog.And that just wouldn't work.

But Spike could do just what she needed.

Well, Faye decided to go look for Spike, hoping he would agree.

*****

Jet sat in the living room (or whatever they call it-the equivalent of a living room anyway) pruning his bansai trees.

Hands shaking, he slowly raised the clippers.

"Careful, careful… and-"

"HEY JET!!!"

Startled, he snapped the clippers shut.He sighed as he watched the top half of the tree fall to the table.

He slowly turned around in his favorite swivel chair that he loved so very very much.

"What?" Jet said dangerously.

"Where's Spike?"

Jet toyed with the idea of killing Faye, but decided to just tell her where Spike was.But he made a mental note to put cyanide in her tuna casserole as payment for taking the life of his little Jimmy.

"He's in his bedroom.Why do you want to know?"

Faye blushed."Um… uh… well, you see… I have something very important I need to talk to him about, and-"

"On second thought, I don't want to know."

Good, she thought.The fewer who know, the better.

She walked down the hall to Spike's room.She knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" came Spike's voice.

"Can I come in?"

"No."

She sighed."Please?"

Spike hesitated."That doesn't sound like you.Why are you asking me nicely?"

Faye walked in.Spike was sitting on his bed, reading some kind of magazine that only he cares about.

He shot her a not-really-very-dangerous-looking glare."I said stay out."

Faye decided to ignore that comment."I was wondering something."

Spike looked very not amazed."Really."

She looked deep into his eyes."Lately, I've been craving something.And I think you can give me what I need."

Spike looked very worried.

She leaned closer and put her arms around his neck."See, I can tell you have many suppressed… talents."

Spike stared at her, looking completely freaked out."I REALLY don't like the way this conversation is going."

She smiled."I have a favor to ask of you."

*****

Jet was pruning another tree.

"Steady now, easy does it…"

He heard a yell from Spike's bedroom. 

The clippers snapped shut, and the entire tree fell over.

Jet sighed heavily."Why me?"

*****

Ed walked into Spike's room.She saw Faye and Spike.On the bed.Faye was on top of him, holding on to his shirt collar, with her face about an inch from his, staring into his eyes.

Ed closed the door slowly, and ran down the hall.

"Not that kind of cookie, you pervert."

Spike blinked."Oh."

"I want… chocolate chip."

Spike sighed, looking somewhat relieved.

Faye got off Spike and stood up."Sometimes I wonder what's on your mind."

Spike walked towards the door."I feel the same way about you."

Then he left, and walked down the hall.

"And I want M&Ms in them!" she called after him.

She sat down on the bed."He's kinda cute when he's scared out of his mind…Wait, what the heck am I saying!?"

It was then that she noticed Ein trying to sneak out of the room.

Faye got an evil look in her eyes.She leapt towards the dog.

"NO ONE WHO HEARD ME SHALL LIVE!!!"

Ein ran down the hall yelping.

Faye landed on her face."Wait a second…He's a dog!How's he gonna tell anyone?"

*****

Ein ran up to Ed.

"Ein!What have you been up to?"

And then the dog spoke."Well, now that you mention it, I heard a very interesting bit of information…"

THE END

(for now)

*****

See, this originally started as just a short story.But then my friend said I should write more, and so I did... There are currently five chapters, and more are coming!Review, please!


	2. The Sailor Moon Hoedown

This, as the title says, is the second part of my series.I suggest you read the first part first.Because it's just better that way.

IMPORTANT NOTE:I don't like Sailor Moon very much at all.And I'm very sorry for being so mean to poor Jet.But as that's the way the series is going (being mean to the cast) I decided to pick on him second.BUT I REALLY LOVE EVERYONE!!!Except for Julia, who is the scum of the earth, and is very personality-less.Which isn't a word.But on to the story.

*****

A Cowboy Bebop Story

Session Two

The Sailor Moon Hoedown

*****

Jet was still pruning his trees, singing bits and pieces of a song we all know but very few of us love.

"Trees, trees, support the arbor day foundation…"

He continued humming softly to himself.

Jet raised the clippers, and-

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"It was Ed, who had just been given the information about Faye's little slip of the tongue.You know, dealing with Spike.NOT THAT WAY, YOU SICKOS!!!What she said about him.

Snap.

Jet looked at the pot, then at the tree on the floor, then back at the pot, then at the tree again.

He threw the pot on the floor and watched it shatter."I give up."

He looked at the clock and gasped."My show's on!"

*****

Spike was in the kitchen, baking cookies.

He grabbed the tray with the little doughballs on it from the counter, turned around and put them in the oven.

Then he realized something._Why am I doing this?I'm making cookies- cookies, of all things- for Faye!I'm a bounty hunter, not someone's grandma!_

_ _

He turned around.The bowl of cookie dough was gone.

*****

In the living room, Jet, Ed, and Ein were sitting on the couch, staring at the TV intently.They were all eating cookie dough.I bet you have no idea where they got that…

"And now, back to the show."

"Bishoujo senshi… Sailor Moon!"

Jet, who was wearing a Chibi-Usa fuku, stood up.He raised the crystal moon wand over his head and yelled, "Go Sailor Moon!"

He then sat back down.

Ed looked up at Jet."It's just a cartoon."

"What?!A cartoon!I'll show you a cartoon, you sacrilegious little-"

We know that Jet would have said something very inappropriate if he had finished his sentence.But just then, the senshi began their transformations.Jet turned back to the TV.

That was when he noticed Spike leaning on the couch.He looked over Jet's shoulder."That's very attractive on you."

Jet turned around."Excuse me, but SOME people are trying to watch TV here."

"I just wanted to know if you've seen my cigarettes anywhere.You don't have to get all weird on me."He looked at Jet's fuku again."I mean, you're weird enough already-"

"Don't knock the fuku, man," said Jet, looking dangerous.

Spike stared at him with that special "you're an idiot" look on his face."Yeah.Just answer the question."

I don't know," replied Jet."You probably smoked 'em all."

Then Spike noticed the very large bowl of cookie dough sitting on the table."You know it's not healthy to eat it like that.You'll get sick."

Ed did her trademark kawaii-grin."Did you know that smoking is bad for your health?"Then she looked dead serious."It makes your lungs all black and crispy.Ed doesn't want to see Spike die."

Spike left the room.

"Don't worry," said Jet."Spike's mother probably smoked during pregnancy, and just look how he turned out."

Ed looked utterly unconvinced.

"Maybe that was a bad example."

Ed nodded.

*****

Spike walked into the kitchen just in time to hear the timer go off.

He put on his cute little pink oven mitts, and took out the cookies.

Surprisingly enough, they looked good.

*****

Faye was in her room, taking pictures of herself for some reason which we do not want to know.But she was.

Then she heard a knock on the door.

"What?" she asked, not happy about being disturbed.

"I brought the cookies."

All of a sudden, she looked very happy.She skipped- yes, skipped- over to the door and opened it.She snatched the plate of cookies and grinned cutely.

He looked from her to the plate of cookies several times, then said, "Why did you want cookies?"

"I NEED cookies.I need LOTS of cookies.Cookies are my friend."

Spike grinned like an idiot and tried his hardest not to laugh."I can tell by the way you dress."

She smacked him."Pervert.Go get me some milk.NOW."

He stared at her with a look of mock indignance on his face."Oh, so now I'm your errand boy?You expect too much."He walked off.To get her some milk.

Faye slammed the door."He's such a…"

She never finished her sentence.But since I am the almighty omnipotent author, I can tell you what she was thinking.Well, I can't tell you ALL of the things she was thinking, because that would just be WRONG, and I'd really rather not narrate those kinds of thoughts.But some of the OTHER things that came to mind were: 1) good chef; 2) sweetheart (aww…); 3) sexy MAN; 4) Oh what I wouldn't give to get him alone sometime and-

_This thought has been censored for your convenience.Thank you for calling._

Yeah, that's what she was thinking.Except number 4 wasn't censored.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Next time-

Hey, this is Spike speaking, and I'm here to- *squints at cue card* ya know, you should really make that font bigger.Anyway, I'm here to tell you about the next session.Well, the Bebop makes a stop on, I don't think I can pronounce that, and anyway, I need more cigarettes.'Cuz I'm a chain smoker, ya see.But stuff happens.Crazy wild stuff.Word.What the- what is up with these cue cards?Why are you doing this to me?What are you on?!****

*****


	3. Spike and the Great Nicotine Crisis

I'm not going to have an intro here.Instead, it will be "Random Thing of the Moment, by ME!"Okay?So, skip this if you want to just read the fic.But please read?I spent too long writing a story about Vicious's crow!If you don't care, skip to the story.But otherwise, just read.There really is no topic.I stray a lot.But read it!Starting:NOW!!!OK, so, Julia is like, Spike's old girlfriend, who used to be Vicious's old girlfriend, but then she started dating Spike behind his back.Which is bad.Bad for many things.And bad things happen to this lady who only shows up in the flesh for two episodes, which is more like one episode, since she appears after the halfway point of the second-to-last-episode and well, isn't seen again, shall we say, after the halfway point of the last episode.So anyway, Julia is seriously lacking in the personality area, and see, methinks that Lady Une (of Gundam W) and Julia are twins, since they look so similar.And ya know how Une has the split personality thing?Well, there was a problem at birth, and Une got her personality too.Which explains a lot, really.There's a lot more conspiracies, if you want to hear them.Cowboy Bebop is a veritable cornucopia of conspiracies.For example, here's the reason Vicious has a bird.See, one of the crows at Rei's temple was hopelessly obsessed with Darien.And, after he blew up from the long chain of events which you can see in "The Day Wufei Tried To Rule The World" (read it after you read this.If it doesn't have an anime you like in it, well, that's scary.It's got about 10 different animes, and Zelda!) the toxic rain of Darien came down and the bird became a mutant crow.But from now on the bird will be referred to as Birdy, because that's probably what Vicious named him.Because Vicious is just special in that very special way.Anyway, Birdy lived a REALLY LONG TIME, and finally figured out the great mystery of where Darien went.See, he figured that Jet was actually Darien with his head on upside down, and that made perfect sense to him, because toxic rain can do weird things to people.Well, he figured this out, because Birdy is very intelligent.So, he was reading the phonebook one day, because that's what he does.And he noticed that Spike and Jet/Darien have the same phone number.But since Birdy has to breathe air (he happened to be away somewhere when everyone died, just so you know) he couldn't get to the Bebop or even call, because he can't talk.But he learned of the fact that Vicious was looking for Spike, and he figured that if he finds Vicious he finds Spike, and if he finds Spike he finds the Bebop, and if he finds the Bebop then he finds Jet.Oh yeah.It's all coming together.Well, to make a story that is way to long to be an intro to a fanfic short, Birdy decided to accompany Vicious on his journey.And he would have found Jet, too, if poor Birdy hadn't exploded.So very soon I will write a story dedicated to Birdy and his heroic quest of love.But not now.Because the intro is coming to a close.So read the actual fic now.That is all.

And yes, that was my authors note.

*****

A Cowboy Bebop Story

Session Three

Spike and the Great Nicotine Crisis

*****

Once upon a time, there were these four people.And a dog.And it was all very funny, really- they did all kinds of stupid stuff.And life was good.And I am using the word 'and' a lot.

Spike Spiegel was a chain smoker with unnaturally long legs.Jet Black was some kinda weird freaky-lookin' ex-cop dude with way too much free time and a sick obsession with bansai trees.Faye Valentine was a 77-year-old hooker who I am being unnecessarily cruel to in this story.Ed-who-has-some-kind-of-weird-long-name-that-she-made-up-herself-the Fourth was a computer genius hacker on speed and lots of other things, I'm sure.And Ein was a dog.A dog who could probably rule the world if he wanted to, because he's so intelligent.

And they all lived on a yellow submarine.Well, actually, they didn't, but I've had that song stuck in my head all day!IT'S ANNOYING!!!

But anyway, they lifed on this really nifty spaceship called the Bebop.They named it when they were drunk.So what?

You, my loyal readers, (yes, loyal, you've gotta be pretty loyal to have read this far into the series) already know this. But I care not.I WANT TO BE THE KING AND QUEEN OF CHEESE!!!MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

-Emilee is suddenly dragged off by the men in the white coats, who, contrary to her belief, only want to give her her medicine.-

-Sane-ish narrator person comes back.-

Spike sat in the corner of the living room, rocking back and forth, hugging his knees.

"Need…nicotine…must have…nicotine…smoked last…five minutes…ago…"

Jet was getting extremely annoyed with this.He got up to check the medicine cabinet for his Nicoderm.

"Hmm… Ed's Ritalin… Faye's extra-strength Tylenol… chewable Pokémon vitamins?What are my special treats doing here?"He put them in his pocket.After finding none of what he was looking for, he left.

He looked at Spike and sighed._Guess we're gonna have to make an emergency stop…_

-Emilee comes back.-

Do you guys wanna know about Faye's obsession?

Narrator: That has nothing to do with this chapter.

Don't forget, I created you!I can fire you!I don't even like you!

Narrator: You can tell them later.

I want sugar.

Narrator: (sweatdrops) No.

Screen turns black.Hissing and screaming noises are heard, then static.

-And now, back to the show.- 

Since I'm bad with transitions, everyone's on Mars now.In front of a 7-11 type place.

"Since we're here," said Faye, "I'm going to do some shopping.I'll meet you back at the Bebop when I'm done."She turned and left.

"If you're not back by the time we get there, we're leaving without you!" Jet yelled after her.

Ed ran off somewhere cackling, with Ein following closely.

Jet and Spike walked into the 7-11.Spike appeared to be in a trance.He walked up to the counter and stared blankly at the cigarette selection.

"What can I do for you, sir?" asked the blond lady behind the counter

In a soft monotone voice, he said, "I'll take one of each."

She looked confused."Um, are you- are you sure?"

Jet pushed the dazed Spike out of the way."No, he's not."He grinned somewhat sheepishly."He wants fifty packs of the cheapest kind you've got."

The cashier looked shocked."Fifty packs?!"

Jet nodded.

She blinked."I-I'll see what I can do."

The lady went off into the back room.

Tapping his foot, Jet looked around._Where has Spike wandered off to?_

Chips?No.

Drinks?No.

Video games?No.

Jet was worried.There was no telling what Spike would do when in this state.

Nervously, he remembered the time he attacked a six year old girl with Pixy Stix.They'd ended up with a major lawsuit on their hands.

He scanned the store once more.

Much to Jet's relief, he found Spike.Unfortunately, he found Spike staring stupidly at the "feminine hygiene products."

"Spike!What are you doing, you idiot?!"

Spike slowly turned to look at him.Jet made a "get your scrawny butt over here" motion twith his hands.

After 10 seconds of staring blankly, Spike complied.

*****

Somehow, in that special way that only she can manage, Ed had manageed to be captured by the police.I won't go into detail, but the crime involved a golf cart, a 20-ton block of cheese, a sledgehammer, and a baby elephant.

And basically, Ed and Ein are in prison.

And no one will be at the Bebop until 8:00.

So…

END PART THREE

Next time:

Ahem… This is Faye speaking.On the next installment, things happen.Find abut Ed doing hard time, and whether they get bailed out.Plus, Jet and Spike get drunk, if only for a very brief period of time.It's really pointless…The entire thing is self-sufficient, and doesn't really add anything.And there's a reference to a really whacked show that isn't an anime.And there's a special guest star.And it's not Julia, thank God…But she may be in here sometime, too.For torture purposes.And my time is up.So tune in next time.

*****


	4. Ed's Demon

*****

A Cowboy Bebop Story

Session Four

Ed's Demon

*****

Somewhere on Mars, in a prison cell, Ed and Ein were being annoying.To the guard.

Ed put her face up against the bars."Hey, Mr. Man."

He looked up from his newspaper."What?"

"Whatcha doin?"

"Sitting here."

"Why?"

"Because I'm a guard."

"Why?"

"Because it's my job."

"Why?"

"I DON'T KNOW!!!LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"

*****

Jet and Spike were walking down the street when a sign above the door of one of the buildings caught their eye.

It read: The Bob Saloon.

Spike turned to Jet."Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

Jet nodded.

"LET'S GET DRUNK!!!"they shouted.

*****

"Hey, Mr. Prison Guard man?"

"What?"

"Would you mind letting us out?We're very very bored.And we want to go HOME."

"Look, kid.I'm not in the mood to hear your sob stories."

"Why not?"

"I've had plenty problems in my own life."

"Like what?"

*****

In the bar…

"Hey, bruvver!"

"Huh, Spike?"

"Howdya git a woman?I mean, I've bin tryin' foyearzzzzz…"Spike hit his head on the table.

Jet backed up a few feet."Hey, you haven't had enough to be drunk yet."

Spike's head shot up."Oh."

*****

The prison guard was sobbing and had already gone through three boxes of tissues.

"And then my snail- he- he…"The guard burst into more tears.

"It's okay," said Ed, patting him on the back through the bars. Then she reached for the keys.

2 minutes and 4.773048109363848479934832 seconds later…

The guard was laying on his stomach, hogtied and gagged, while Ed sat on his back braiding his hair.

*****

Spike and Jet were both drunk.Really really drunk.

"AN' I SHAW AREALLY SHEXY TREE THE OTHER DAY!!!"yelled Jet, causing everyone who wasn't drunk to stare at him very strangely.

"Ya know," said Spike, "I need some LOOOOOOOOVE!!!YEAH!!!"

A really big beefy security guard type person walked up to them. "Out.Now."

Since they were too drunk to see straight, they did as he said.

*****

Faye was back on the Bebop.It was 8:00, and the others weren't back yet.

But that didn't bother her.She turned on the holographic thing that wishes it was a TV ant watched some REALLY REALLY OLD episodes of I Love Lucy.

*****

All the prisoners and guards were unconscious.On the floor.With their hair up in braids.

Ed, grinning and bouncing up and down, finally came to the last cell.

She saw… Vicious.

And his hair.

Beautiful girl hair.

Her eyes slowly grew huge and twinkly.

Vicious dove under the bed.

*****

Spike and jet staggered down the street, arms around each others shoulders, singing.

"Koombaya, my lord, koombaya…"

Mothers drug their children inside.

*****

Ed was sitting on Vicious's back, braiding his hair into lots of little braids.

With pink bows.

"Hey Uncle Vicious, wanna play Candy Land?"

*****

The next morning…

A terribly hung over Spike was lying on the couch moaning.A terribly hung over Jet was lying on the floor moaning.Faye was playing solitaire.Ein was saying Sim City 3,577,908,777 ½ on Ed's computer.

Vicious was lying on the floor with a "someone please kill me" expression on his face. Ed was sitting on his back, braiding his hair, grinning like the idiot that she is.

Ein sighed."Just another normal day on the Bebop."

END PART FOUR

Hi.My name is Jet, and I'm an alcoholic.Wait a minute… WHO CHANGED THE CUE CARDS?!I wasn't supposed to say that!!!You're all so mean to me!!!

Um… anyway…Next time, Spike's curse- yeah, he's got one of those- causes trouble.He's gonna like, die, or something.So goes the will of the author.I think I'll hug a tree.

*****


End file.
